In 1858 there came to Dakshineswar a cousin of Sri
Ramakrishna, Haladhari
by name, who was to remain there about eight years. On account of
Sri Ramakrishna's indifferent health, Mathur appointed this man to the
office of priest in the Kali temple. He was a complex character, versed
in
the letter of the scriptures, but hardly aware of their spirit. He
loved to
participate in hair-splitting theological discussions and, by the
measure of
his own erudition, he proceeded to gauge Sri Ramakrishna. An orthodox
brahmin, he thoroughly disapproved of his cousin's unorthodox actions,
but
he was not unimpressed by Sri Ramakrishna's purity of life, ecstatic
love
of God, and yearning for realization.
One day Haladhari upset Sri Ramakrishna with the statement that God
is incomprehensible to the human mind. Sri Ramakrishna has described
the
great moment of doubt when he wondered whether his visions had really
misled him: "With sobs I prayed to the Mother, 'Canst Thou have the
heart
to deceive me like this because I am a fool?' A stream of tears flowed
from
my eyes. Shortly afterwards I saw a volume of mist rising from the
floor
and filling the space before me. In the midst of it there appeared a
face
with flowing beard, calm, highly expressive, and fair. Fixing its gaze
steadily
upon me, it said solemnly, 'Remain in bhavamukha, on the threshold of
relative consciousness.' This it repeated three times and then it
gently
disappeared in the mist, which itself dissolved. This vision reassured
me."
A garbled report of Sri Ramakrishna's failing health, indifference to
worldly life, and various abnormal activities reached Kamarpukur and
filled
the heart of his poor mother with anguish. At her repeated request he
returned to his village for a change of air. But his boyhood friends
did not
interest him any more. A divine fever was consuming him. He spent a
great
part of the day and night in one of the cremation grounds, in
meditation.
The place reminded him of the impermanence of the human body, of human
hopes and achievements. It also reminded him of Kali, the Goddess of
destruction.